Achmed The Dead Terrorist by Jeff Dunham
Jeff: Good evening Achmed
Achmed: Good evening... Infidel
Jeff: So you're a Terrorist?
Achmed: Yes... I am a Terrorist
Jeff: What kind of Terrorist?
Achmed: A terrifying... Terrorist
Achmed: Are you scared?
Jeff: Not really... No.
Achmed: Harrr... And now?
Jeff: Not really, no.
Achmed: Huhharrr... How bout now?
Achmed: God Dammit... Oh Oh, I I mean uh, Allah Dammit.
Achmed: silence! I kill you!
Jeff: So uh, Achmed...
Achmed: No no, it's Achmed.
Jeff: That's what I said...
Achmed: No you said Ukned, it's Achmed huchhuch huch huch huch huch...
Silence! I kill you!
Jeff: How do'ya spell it?
Jeff: How do you spell you name?
Achmed: Oh-uh... Lets see an A... C... Flem... Silence! I kill you!
Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a Terrorist... I would suppose you have some sort of specialty.
Achmed: Yesss... I am a Suicide Bomber.
Jeff: Ahh... So you're finished?
Jeff: yo-you've done your job?
Achmed: No I haven't
Jeff: But you're dead.
Achmed: No I'm not, I feel fine!
Jeff: But you're all bone
Achmed: It's a flesh wound... Silence! I kill you! What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a b**ch? What the hell? Oh wait a minute... What tha hell? What are you doin? Ok Stop it. Get off... What are you doing to me! Stop touching me! I Kill you!
Jeff: Al'right just hold on we'll fix this.
Achmed: ok wait what are you doing... Holy cr*p I'm in the air... Wait, wait, wait something is backward. Holy cr*p. I don't know what I'm doin. I need some ligaments.
Jeff: Just sit still...
Achmed: ok... I wil not move my ass
Walter: You idiot you don't have an ass
Achmed: Is that Walter?
Achmed: He scares the cr*p out of me! Please don't put me back in the sinned suitcase.
Achmed: He has gas...
Achmed: Sudan's Mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart.
Walter: Ah. Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha
Achmed: I-It's not funny... He will kill us!
Jeff: Al-right... Listen uh... Achmed... I have something to tell you.
Jeff: You-you really are dead.
Achmed: Are are you sure?
Achmed: I just got my Flu shot.
Jeff: You really are dead.
Achmed: Wait. If I am dead... *Gasp... That means I get my 72 virgins *gasp... Are you my virgins? I hope not.
Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there.
Achmed: If this is paradise... I've been screwed!
Jeff: Well did they say it would only be, female, virgins?
Achmed: Holy cr*p!
Achmed: Wait... I could have a Clay Aiken. Ahahahahahha. I told a jokech!
Jeff: Al'right so listen Achmed, so where did you come from?
Achmed: Your freaking suitcase. Ahahahahaha. I told another one.
Jeff: heh, look if you've been in my suitcase all this time... How have you been getting through security at the airports?
Achmed: Oh that's easy, they open the case and I go "ello! I am Lindsay Lohan!" haha... I-I told another Jokech! I can do this cr*p to'ch.
Achmed: Ok, here's another one... 2 Jews walk in a bar.
Jeff: No, no.
Achmed: What, you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastitd.
Jeff: What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.
Achmed: Oh-ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews?
Achmed: I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews... No! I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! Ahahahhahaha! Yes-yes! I did the same thing with 2 Catholic Priests then I tossed in a small boy! Ahahahahaha. Haha yes-yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.
Jeff: Stop doing this.
Jeff: You can't tell jokes like that.
Achmed: Why not? I'm killing so to speak.
Jeff: Well you can't tell jokes like that.
Jeff: It offends people.
Achmed: Oh I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do... Knock-knock jokesch?
Jeff: That would probably be better.
Achmed: Ok, Knock-knock...
Jeff: Whose there?
Achmed: Me! I kill you.
Jeff: So look, as a suicide bomber have you had training?
Achmed: Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp.
Jeff: Ah, is that a nice facility?
Achmed: It used to be.
Jeff: What happened?
Achmed: New guy... The idiot tried to practice!
Jeff: And what did you guys learn from that?
Achmed: location, location, location.
Jeff: So you guys have any kind of motto?
Achmed: Like what?
Jeff: You know like, "We are looking for a few good men.
Achmed: Were looking for some idiots with no future.
Jeff: So where do you get your recruits?
Achmed: The suicide Hotline. Ahahahha... That was dark was it not?
Jeff: yea, so-uh what exactly happened to you?
Jeff: What happened?
Achmed: Oh, if you must know. I am a horrible suicide bomber!
Jeff: What happened?
Achmed: I had a preimature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes but it went off in 4 seconds!
Achmed: You know what that's like right? Mr. Hurrrriiccaanne...
Jeff: So achmed, what exactly happened to you?
Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cellphone.
Achmed: Can you hear me now... Cunk. At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
Jeff: That's too bad.
Achmed: It's ok I took that Verizon bastard with me.
Jeff: So-uh, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?
Achmed: If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion... Yes.
Jeff: No, I mean when some people die they see a white light. What did you see?
Achmed: I saw flying car parts...
Jeff: What was the last thing that went through you're mind?
Achmed: My ass. Ahahahhaha. Walter told me to tell that jokech.
Jeff: So you never saw a white light?
Achmed: No, but I saw a Blue creais. Do you really have one of those vehicles?
Achmed: Ahahahhahahah! Ohh! That is not a car that's a lunch box.
Achmed: Did you know when you're going down the highway in a creais that if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn.
Jeff: You did all of this for a bunch of virgins?
Achmed: Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a klondik bar.
Jeff: So I guess you're Muslim?
Achmed: I don't think so.
Jeff: You're not Muslim?
Achmed: Look on my Ass, It says made in China.
Achmed: Walter says I'm just a stinkin' Halloween decoration. Ahahhahaha.
Jeff: So do you like being in D. C?
Achmed: I think some idiots must live there.
Achmed: For example, the Washington monument.
Achmed: It looks nothing like the guy, it looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. Ahhahahhaha
Jeff: What do ya think of Bush?
Achmed: Ohhhhhhh, I love Buhh, Oh! You mean the president? I'm sorry.