Cheese Shop by Monty Python
Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium
Ah, thank you, my good man
What can I do for you, sir?
Well, I was sitting in the public library
On Thurmon Street just now
Skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole
And I suddenly came over all peckish
'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike
In a nutshell, and I thought
To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick
So I curtailed my Walpoling activites
Sallied forth and infiltrated your place
Of purveyance to negotiate the vending
Of some cheesy comestibles
I want to buy some cheese
Oh, I thought you were complaining
About the bazouki player
Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights
In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse
'Ooo, ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too
So he can go on playing, can he
Most certainly, now then
Some cheese please, my good man
Certainly, sir, what would you like?
Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?
I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir
Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week
Sir, we get it fresh on Monday
Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman
Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please
Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks
Was expecting it this morning
T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese?
Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down
Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance?
Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq
Port Salut, Savoy Aire
Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest
Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Ah, we have Camenbert, yes, sir
You do, excellent
Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny
Oh, I like it runny
Well, it's very runny, actually, sir
No matter, fetch hither
The fromage de la Belle France, mwah
I think it's a bit runnier
Than you'll like it, sir
I don't care how fucking runny it is
Hand it over with all speed
The cat's eaten it
Japanese Sage Darby?
You do have some cheese, do you?
Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got
No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess
Ah, well, I'll have some of that
Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name
Uh, not as such
Czech sheep's milk?
Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Not today, sir, no
Aah, how about Cheddar?
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir
Not much call, it's the single most
Popular cheese in the world
Not 'round here, sir
And what is the most
Popular cheese 'round here?
Oh, yes, it's staggeringly
Popular in this manusquire
It's our number one best seller, sir
I see, uh, Illchester, eh
All right, okay, have you got any?
He asked expecting the answer 'No'
I'll have a look, sir, umh, no
It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Finest in the district
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please
Well, it's so clean, sir
It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese
You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir
Is it worth it?
Have you, shut that bloody bazouki up
Told you sir
Have you got any Limburger?
Figures, predictable, really I suppose
It was an act of purest optimism
To have posed the question in the first place
Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?
No, not really, sir
No, sir, not a scrap
I was deliberately
Wasting your time, sir
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going
To have to shoot you
What a senseless waste of human life