The Slowest Man Alive

The Slowest Man Alive Lyrics

Now the other day I was standing in line
And I’d been standing for, well, quite some time
I had a train to catch, I had a place to be
Sandwich in my hand, I was all set to leave

I was ready to pay, just gonna beep and move
Just two more people in that infuriating queue
And one of them’s gone now; off they drive
And this is when I meet the slowest man alive

He shuffles forward, tripping on every crack
Tapping every pocket, his front and back
Raises his arms in the air, “Oh dear, where’s my cash?”
Just as he does so, there’s a mighty splash
Pennies and fivers and ten p’s and pounds
Fall from his arms and bounce on the ground
He chuckles I crack, as down he bends
To pick up every last coin, fifties, twenties, and tens

Sandwich melting in hand, the slowest man in this world
Plonks his change on the counter, deals it out to the girl
“Uh oh!” he exclaims with a huff and a puff
“I don’t think I have enough”

So just as I think I’ll never get served
A new cashier appears after what we’ve observed
I bound forward, grab my uke from behind
I’m ready to blow this slow man’s mind

Hey, Scattered Change, have you heard of BPAY
‘cos I can purchase my sandwich in a unique way
I’ll tell you a bit more about it after this song
But I’m paying with my uke and then I’m moving along
As I smugly place down my uke on the machine
The slow man laughs at something that I haven’t seen…

“I like your BPAY sticker
Your lack of change and a purse
But before you pay…
Check where your sandwich is first!”