Alcohol or comedy by Bif Naked
My life was Comedy. Quitting drinking was the easiest thing I've ever done. I have never looked back. I simply cannot understand why the hell I waited so long! Unmanageable life--what an embarrassment! What a weakness. What an ultimate lack of self-discipline. What a loser. My parents never drank or smoked, and I put them through hell. My poor parents. I was such an ungrateful, disrespectful, selfish, hormonal little teenager with a mouthy attitude and sense of humour quite unlike my sister's. I decided I didn't need to continue attending church with my parents. I was searching for my "individuality". What an idiot.
I wanted attention. I wanted everyone to think I was funny. I wanted everyone to like me. I, I hated myself. I was called Bug Eyes. I was called Fish Lips. And, I was called Modern Dairies. The grade 9 girls hated me. They harassed me and beat me up. I wonder if they're living exciting, fulfilling loving lives. I wonder if they're happy and healthy. Me and my best friend Karine had every line of every Eddie Murphy movie down. "Goonay goo goo" "you can smell it" "I'm a karate man." "Karate man bruise on inside. Just don't show othe weakness." "Banana in the tailpipe." "Babulay Babulay bahaha. Babulay babulay ba ha." You name it. I wanted to be Eddie Murphy.
Or, or Robin Williams. I wanted to be them. I still am enraptured with comedians. They must always be carefree and laughing and playing jokes and having fun. Except for maybe Richard Lewis. He always says he can't get a date. Betcha he can. Betcha he's really ticklish, like me. Tickled with life, tickled pink. Pink laaadies. Black Russians. Iron butterflies.
Quitting drinking was the easiest thing I've ever done.
Quitting my comedic dreams was hard. I can never look back on either.