Poor Fool He Makes Me Laugh by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Poor fool, he makes me laugh!
Time I tried to get a better better half!
COUNTESS AND CHORUS
Poor fool, he doesn't know!
If he knew the truth, he'd never, ever go!
(Suddenly from nowhere, we hear the voice of the
Did I not instruct that Box Five was to be kept empty?
He's here: the Phantom of the Opera...
(General reaction of bewilderment.
CHRISTINE looks fearfully about her)
It's him... I know it... it's him...
CARLOTTA (Finding a scapegoat in CHRISTINE,
Hisses at her)
Your part is silent, little toad!
(But the PHANTOM has heard her)
A toad, madame? Perhaps it is you
Who are the toad...
(Again general unease. CARLOTTA and the
CONDUCTOR confer and pick up from the opening of the
CARLOTTA (As the COUNTESS)
Serafimo, away with this pretence!
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my croak!
(Instead of singing she emits a great croak like a toad. A
Stunned silence. CARLOTTA is as amazed as anyone but
Regains herself and continues. More perturbing,
However, is a new sound: the PHANTOM is laughing -
Quietly at first, then more and more hysterically)
CARLOTTA (as the COUNTESS)
Poor fool, he makes me laugh -
Croak, croak, croak,
Croak, croak, croak, etc.
(As before. The PHANTOM'S laughter rises. The
Croaking continues as the chandelier's lights blink on
And off. The PHANTOM'S laughter, by this time
Overpowering, now crescendos into a great cry):
Behold! She is singing to bring down the
(CARLOTTA looks tearfully up at the MANAGERS ' box
And shakes her head)
(ANDRE and FIRMIN hurry out of the box onto the
Stage. PIANGI ushers the now sobbing CARLOTTA
Offstage, while the MANAGERS tackle the audience)
Ladies and gentlemen, the performance will
Continue in ten minutes' time...
(He addresses Box Five, keeping one eye on the
Chandelier as it returns to normal)
... when the role of the Countess will be sung by Miss
In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be
Giving you the ballet from Act Three of tonight's opera.
(To the CONDUCTOR)
Maestro - the ballet - now!
(The MANAGERS leave, the stage is cleared and music
Starts again. The BALLET GlRLS enter as a sylvan glade
Flies in. They begin the Dance of the Country Nymphs.
Upstage, behind the drop, a series of threatening
Shadows of the PHANTOM. MEG is aware of them and
Dances out of step. When this culminates in one
Gigantic, oppressive, bat-like shadow, the garotted body
Of JOSEPH BUQUET falls onto the stage, causing the
Sylvan glade to fly out. Pandemonium.)
CHRISTINE (calling for help)
(RAOUL runs on stage and embraces her)
RAOUL (to CHRISTINE, leading her away)
Christine, come with me...
No... to the roof. We'll be safe there.
(CHRISTINE and RAOUL hurry off)
FIRMIN (Attempting to placate the audience as STAGE-
HANDS and POLICEMEN crowd onto the stage)
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats. Do
Not panic. It was an accident... simply an accident.