Joining the Cult
[Sounds of Basketball being shot around]
Sandler: "Hey man, I'm joining a religious cult."
Allen: "Now, that's ridiculous."
Sandler: "Well, I'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too."
Allen: "What are you talking about?"
Sandler: "Hey, don't f**k me on this, man, just sign up."
Allen: "No, I'm not going to join a cult!"
Sandler: "I can't believe you're pulling this sh*t on me after Monday
Sandler: "-- I wanted to watch Monday Night Football and you wanted to
watch that other show and we watched your show -- I did that for you!"
Allen: "Yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game."
Sandler: "I WANTED TO SEE THE f**kIN' SCORE! Whadda you gotta do that's
so f**king importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?"
Allen: "Well, I was gonna go sunbathing."
Sandler: "Oh, boy, no no, I don't think you should do that. Because this
guy, Russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --"
Allen: "-- yeah --"
Sandler: "-- he was rambling on during one of the speeches about the sun
being bad, like the beast can't come out because the sun's too bright
and the sun hurts his eyes or something -- you show up all sunburned and
that guy's gonna get p**sed at you and me!"
Allen: "Well, I'm not in the cult, so I don't have to worry about
p**sing the leader guy off!"
Sandler: "Look, I'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult
guy's been saying -- some of it makes a lot of sense!
Allen: "Well, good, but I don't want to join the cult. We can still hang
out; I just won't be in it with you."
Sandler: "The point is, I'm not gonna have time to hang out with you
because I'm gonna be f**kin' busy with this f**kin' cult!"
Allen: "So I'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out."
Sandler: "No, the weekends are like the busiest time -- that's when we
go to flea malls and f**kin' malls and talk people into joining, man!"
Allen: "Can I join for just a little while? I told my dad I'd go visit
him in Florida in three weeks."
Sandler: "Well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now."
Allen: "What's the hurry?"
Sandler: "There's a girl I wanna meet there, what the f**k's your
Allen: "Well, I mean I don't really have to believe in this stuff, do
Sandler: "No, no, just f**kin' tell everybody you believe in this sh*t
-- when they say the sun sucks, go, "Yeah, f**k the sun, I f**kin' hate
it too, long live the f**kin' beast."
Allen: "I don't know, man. This is crazy."
Sandler: "Look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're
gonna get food --"
Allen: "-- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?"
Sandler: "It's gonna be a haircut, all right? You said you need a
haircut, they're gonna f**kin' cut your hair. You're going in, saving
twelve bucks, just f**kin' do it!"
Allen: "Do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?"
Sandler: "Yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one
Allen: "Well, all right. But, hey, if I don't like it, I'm going to
Sandler: "OK, that's up to you."
"Three weeks later!"
[Chanting repeatedly] "The night time is the right time! The night time
is the right time!"
Sandler: "Hey buddy, are you glad you did this?"
Allen: "Oh, this is the best thing I ever did. Thank you."
Sandler: "You're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are
Allen: "You know, it's like they said. It was the only way to save him."
Sandler: "You're a good guy."
Allen: "You're a better one."