The Song Of The Seven Inch Cowboy
Iâ€™m a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns.
Fiveâ€™ll get you ten,
I betcha never seen one.
Well Iâ€™m a seven inch cowboy
How do you be?
And Iâ€™m used to people gawking and a-staring at me
But I wasnâ€™t always so gol-darned wee
Let me tell you my story,
You can listen for free.
For seven long years,
Now thatâ€™s a year for every inch I stand
Iâ€™ve traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land
Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop
Iâ€™m at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top.
I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me
And every town I come toâ€™s like a terrible dream
The other cowboys mocked me and spit tobacco like meteors
Watching me dodge â€˜em and laughing at my small squeaky scream
I went to a saloon to get a drink
They wouldnâ€™t serve me
They stuffed me in a glass and slid me up and down the bar
And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me
They sang a song both cold and mean
â€˜Cause thatâ€™s how women are,
â€œA man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire
Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere.
Drive a brand new car, be a movie star
Size is all that counts, and there you are.â€
And Iâ€™m a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Fiveâ€™ll get you ten
I bet you never seen one
Now as you can imagine, Iâ€™d grown pretty bitter
(Although thatâ€™s the only way in which I had grown)
And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor,
The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend Iâ€™d ever known.
The mad Professor Mentley was his name and I drew near
I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear
I held my little pistols up and I told â€˜im, â€œLook a-here!
You made me this way, itâ€™s time you pay, you gol-darned queer!â€
And the professor said, â€œWait! Wait!
Now you know me, and I know you
And you know that strange experiments are just what I do
Itâ€™s less like a pastime and more like a job
Why if I didnâ€™t do it, Iâ€™d be an unemployed slob
Now I know that wonâ€™t suffice if Iâ€™m to set you at ease
But Iâ€™m thinking as fast as I can for a man whoâ€™s down on his knees
And just this passing moment I had a thought, hereâ€™s what I thunk, I thought,
â€˜Where would you be today if you hadnâ€™tâ€™ve shrunk?â€™
Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin
Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin
Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men,
Nothing to set you apart nor would there ever have been
Then I came along, yes ME, Professor Mentley!
I gave you a gift! (though you werenâ€™t grateful evidently)
I plucked you from your average status, I made you unique
Youâ€™re a seven-inch cowboy, not a six foot freak.
From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you
Nations will bow and throw their riches before you
Youâ€™ll be diminutive in stature, but a titan inside
Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side.â€
Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared
And I wondered if perhaps he only said â€˜em â€˜cause he was scared
My guns were weighinâ€™ heavy in my hands, my heart was low
When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow:
Well my pop told me it donâ€™t matter where a fella goes
You can sail through icy straights and misty archipelagoes.
Travel to the moon, orbit every star
Size donâ€™t really count and there you are.
And Iâ€™m a seven-inch cowboy (seven inches tall)
With a tiny pair of six guns (Thatâ€™s mighty damn small)
Fiveâ€™ll get you ten (For all you bettinâ€™ men)
Youâ€™ll never see another one (yeah!)
I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway
Thereâ€™s never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say
Well, Iâ€™ve thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb
Now I say Hollywood (Hollywood!), Hollywood (Hollywood!)
Hollywood here I come!