The Lunatic Lyrics. From Musical "Illyria"

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The Lunatic Lyrics


by Feste, Malvolio. From Illyria.


FESTE
OH, OH, MALVOLIO,
MALVOLIO,
WHAT A BEWILDERING IMBROGLIO MALVOLIO IS IN.
ONE CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHETHER
THE MAN HAS TRULY SLIPPED HIS TETHER.
THE SCENARIO
IS TICKLISH.
GETTING TO SEE HIM IN THIS PICKLE ISH RIDIKILISH, AND YET,
ONE CAN'T HELP BUT FEELING SORY TOO,
OOH - FOR POOR MALVOLIO-LIO-LIO.
WHAT'LL WE DO WITH YOU?

MALVOLIO
Fool, you know I've always held you in very high esteem.

FESTE
Truly? It often seemed to me that you would have gladly had me out of the house.

MALVOLIO
Oh, never you, good fool. My quarrel was with that damnable Sir Toby.

FESTE
Shh! Careful what you say. The Holy Father is coming!

(FESTE plays the PRIEST)

PRIEST
MALVOLIO,
DOMINUS DIXIT.
KYRIE, KYRIE.
ALMA MATER.

MALVOLIO
Father, I'm so glad you're here. I must be allowed to see my lady.

PRIEST
Silence!
(sings)
MALVOLIO,
WE HAVE BEEN TOLD
YOUR MANIFOLD SINS
REGARDING THE LADY
MALVOLIO,
YOU MUST PURGE THIS
WICKEDNESS FROM YOUR SOUL.

FESTE
MALVOLIO,

PRIEST
MALVOLIO,

FESTE
MALVOLIO,

PRIEST
MALVOLIO,
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IS MOST UNHOLY, OH!
MALVOLIO, REPENT!

FESTE
IF I MIGHT ADVISE YOU, FATHER,
THE MAN IS MAD - YOU NEEDN'T BOTHER.

PRIEST
Mad, you say?

MALVOLIO
No, Father. It's not true.

PRIEST
Madness is caused by demonic possession. We must perform an exorcism at once.
(sings)
BEELZEBUB AND LUCIFER!
I GIVE YOU WARNING, AS A CRUCIFER,
THAT WHO'S EVER INSIDE
HAD BETTER GET OUT OF THERE AND QUICK.
BEGONE FROM MY MALVOLIO-LIO-LIO.
THAT OUGHT TO DO THE TRICK.

MALVOLIO
Father, I am neither mad, nor possessed, nor anything but terribly wronged -

(FESTE plays the JUDGE)

JUDGE
Where is Malvolio?

FESTE
He is here, sir.

PRIEST
Who are you that interrupts my exorcism?

JUDGE
I am the High Magistrate, sent to make determination on this man's case. He has been charged with lewdness and gaudiness.

FESTE
But, your Honor, he can't be tried as a criminal. He's crazy!

MALVOLIO
I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy! A man with your powers of judgment and reason will very easily see that my own are unimpaired.

JUDGE
Well, we shall very soon determine if that is so.

FESTE
How?

JUDGE
WITH A CLEVER LITTLE CATECHISM I'VE DEVISED
BY MEANS OF WHICH A SUBJECT MAY BE ANALYZED
TO DETERMINE IF HIS REASON HAS BEEN COMPROMISED.

MALVOLIO
Ask me anything. I will answer you with complete sanity.

JUDGE
WHAT IS THE COLOR OF THE SKY?

MALVOLIO
BLUE.

JUDGE
WHAT IS THE SUM OF ONE AND ONE?

MALVOLIO
TWO.

JUDGE
WHAT IS THE SOUND THAT A COW MAKES?

MALVOLIO
MOO.

JUDGE
Remarkable - he got them all wrong.

FESTE
MALVOLIO...

JUDGE
WHAT IS THE SOUND OF A DOG?

MALVOLIO
Woof.

PRIEST
MALVOLIO, AVE MARIA.

FESTE
ONE CAN'T HELP BUT -

PRIEST
DEUS EX MACHINA.

JUDGE
WHAT IS THE SOUND OF AN ANGRY DOG?

MALVOLIO
Ruff! Ruff!

FESTE
MALVOLIO...

JUDGE
WHAT IS THE SOUND OF A DOG WHEN HE HOWLS AT THE MOON?

MALVOLIO
Owoooo! Ow-ow-owooo!

JUDGE
Well, gentlemen - I'm afraid the man's a barking lunatic.

FESTE
OH, MY POOR MALVOLIO,

PRIEST
MALVOLIO,

FESTE
MALVOLIO,

JUDGE
MALVOLIO,

FESTE
MALVOLIO,

PRIEST
MALVOLIO,

FESTE
MALVOLIO,

JUDGE
MALVOLIO,

FESTE
MALVOLIO,
WHAT'LL WE DO WITH YOU?
(speaks)
I am good!

[Thanks to Sara for lyrics]




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